INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase... goodnight, sleep tight.

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase mind your Ps and Qs.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. Wet your whistle is the phrase inspired by this practice.

The right side of a boat was called the starboard side due to the that the astronavigators used to stand out on the plank (which was on the right side) to get an unobstructed view of the stars. The left side was called the port side because that was the side you put in on at the port. This was so that they didn't knock off the starboard!

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Robert E. Lee, of the Confederate Army, remains the only person, to date, to have graduated from the West Point military academy without a single demerit.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Croatia was the first country to recognize the United States in 1776.

Lizzie Borden was acquitted.

Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.

Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I.

Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the deaths of their cats.

The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile Services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history
Clubs - Alexander the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
Hearts - Charlemange
Spades - King David

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have the rule of thumb.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

According to a British law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offense. Offenders could be hanged for trying.

The Japanese word "Arigato" meaning thank you is derived from the Portugese word "Obrigado". Portugal once had a thriving trade with Japan.

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled Gentlemen Only... Ladies Forbidden... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand.

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey.

Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day.

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