Rock City News, Vol 13, No 20, July 6-20, 1995
L.A.'s Underground, by Captain Anarchy, (from FIZZY BANGERS Fan Club)
A starving musician's recipe for surviving Hollywood or the Fizzy Bangers top ten hints for would-be rock stars.
01. TACO BELL. Here a burrito can be had for the small sum of fifty-nine cents. Why, even the lowest form of Sunset Strip night life can scrounge up that amount.
02. COUCHES. Almost every apartment has one. They're more comfortable than a cardboard box, and they absorb liquid better. Tip: the fatter the girl, the nicer the couch.
03. GUEST LISTS. You've made connections (with every person in town who doesn't matter), now you're getting on the guest lists. Entering a club for free makes you feel like the celebrity you'll probably never be. Plus, you already spent your last buck on Taco Bell (see number 1).
04. SNEAKING DRINKS INTO CLUBS. Hiding a bottle of beer under each armpit is a great way to save money you don't have. You can easily buy enough booze to get you and your friends lit, for the price most clubs charge for just two drinks.
example: Budweiser 12 oz. bottle - club price $3.50, store price .78 cents. Jack Daniels and coke - club price $4.25, store price .25 cents, considering how small and weak the cup of ice that they'll call a drink is.
05. STRIPPERS. Everybody knows that strippers love would-be (or should we say won't-be) rock stars. These often-times foxy girls make good money and are willing and able to support losers like yourself.
Drawback: She'll give you a sexually transmitted disease that would even stump the surgeon general.
06. A GOOD IMAGINATION. This is the most useful tip of all! Say that you're playing a club in front of six people, simply close your eyes and pretend you and the guys are playing a sold out show at Dodger Stadium. If the six people start booing, plug your ears and pretend that they're cheering! It also works in other situations. When eating a cold slice of pizza on Hollywood Boulevard, plug your nose and pretend that Wolfgang Puck himself made it special, just for you. If you're out with a less than attractive girl, close your eyes and suddenly you're making out with Wynona Ryder.
07. MASTURBATION. As Woody Allen said, "It's sex with someone you love." But you'd better wear a condom...after all, you don't know where you've been!
08. SLEEPING. A great way to kill time and you won't be dwelling on depressing thoughts like you have no money...you've got no place to live...your band has absolutely no talent...you have absolutely no talent. All of which leads to...
09. A JOB. The word makes many a man (even ones named Kristy, Stacey and Tweety) shake in their cowboy boots! But don't worry. You're probably not qualified to do anything (in most cases, playing music being one of them!), so aside from working at Taco Bell (see number 1), you can always...
10. GO HOME. Back to Indiana, Washington, Alabama or wherever which way you came. Back to where clubs pay bands to play. Back to where audiences applaud your performance. Back to your real friends. Back to mom, dad, Alice, Greg, Marcia, and the other Brady Kids. Return the conquering hero!!
Hollywood: You came, you saw, you got a shot of penicillin and now you've returned...back to where you belong.
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