INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

Virus Alert - The following is a list of "new" computer viruses that are on the loose. They come by way of prankster Mark Haas (and others).

Joey Buttafuaco Virus: Only attacks minor files.

Lorena Bobbit Virus: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But that part will never work properly again.)

Lorena Bobbit Virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it.

Woody Allen Virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Tonya Harding Virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 300MB.

Michael Jackson Virus: Preys on child processes.

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are overpaying for the AT&T Virus.

Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending virus attack: One if by LAN, two if by C:\.

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

Right To Life Virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus: Activtes every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

Mario Cuomo Virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Ted Turner Virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

Arnold Schwarznegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident, but it will be back.

Arnold Schwarznegger Virus: Terminates some files, leaves, but it will be baaack.

Dan Quayle Virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle Virus # 2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe jsut cant figyour out watt!

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Congressional Virus #1: The computer locks up, and the screen splits
erratically
with a message appearing on each half of the monitor blaming the other side
for
the
problem.

Congressional Virus # 2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Congressional Virus #3: Triples the size of every program on your drive daily, without asking and asks for your gratitude every two years.

Gallup Virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (Plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

Texas Virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

Airline Virus: You are in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Freudian Virus: Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

P.B.S. Virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls, service stations and fast food joints across rural America.

Jane Fonda Virus: attacks your hard drive's FAT.

Ollie North Virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

Ollie North Virus: Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

Nike Virus: Just does it.

Sears Virus: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

Imelda Marcos Virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes through Prodigy.

Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

George Bush Virus: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs ... No new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

Cleveland Indians Virus: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.

L.A.P.D. Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense".

O.J. Virus: it claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Chicago Cubs Virus: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.

Oral Roberts Virus: Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, it's programer will take it back.

Bob Packwood Virus: Carefully documents each invasion of your hard drive in a diary file.

Bill Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7-inch hard drive with no memory.

Bill Clinton Virus: Switches your system back and forth among available drives according to latest opinion poll results.

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus: instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg

Ellen Degeneres Virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Ellen Degeneres Virus: Disks can no longer be inserted.

Monica Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Then e-mails everyone about what it did.

Titanic Virus (variant of the Monica Lewinsky Virus): Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney Virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after one byte.

Mike Tyson Virus: It takes a byte out of every file.

Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Sharon Stone Virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

Saddam Hussein Virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.

Spice Girl Virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Dr. Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.

Dr. Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.


The Honor System Virus

Greetings!

This virus works on the honor system: You must now forward this message to everyone in your address book and then, randomly delete a bunch of your files.

Thank you so much for your help.


Amish Virus:

You have just received the Amish virus.
Since we have no electricity or computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files on your hard drive. Then forward this message to everyone in your address book.
We thank thee.

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