Behind every successful woman is a man who is looking at her ass.
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!"
He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing?"
The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"What's that?" he asks.
She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."
The other cowboy asks what the position is and how to do it.
"Well, get your wife to get on the bed on all fours and do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway, she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear ... Your sister likes this position too."
"Then try and hang on for 8 SECONDS!"
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in Room 221."
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
I don't know what's more embarrassing, having your mistress find out you're married, explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis, or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache.
"Perfect," her husband said...........
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository. It's up to you."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."
The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
Little Johnny: Her mouth said "no", but her ass meant "yes".
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"
She replies: "Because I really miss mine".
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all ... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
So cheer up...Your life ain't that bad!
Pass it around to someone who you feel can use a good lay today!
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.
Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
Q: What's the definition of a diaphragm?
A: A trampoline for dickheads.
Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; because once you hit 69 you have to turn around.
Q: What do yuppies call oral sex?
A: Sixty-something.
Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is a joke like sex?
A: Neither is any fun if you don't get it.
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: Why is a joke like a pussy?
A: Neither is any fun if you don't get it.
Q: Did you hear about the girl who didn't want her boy friend to
swallow Viagra?
A: She begged him to just let it dissolve on his tongue.
Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q: What do you call the useless fatty tissue at the end of the penis?
A: A man.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.
Q: What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q: What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the
Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Q: How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean.
Q: What's the biggest fish in the world?
A: A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Q: What's green, slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
A: Kermit's Finger
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough.
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q: What's the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last donut.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
Q: What are the three words men hate to hear most during sex?
A: "Are you in?"
Q: What three two letter words denote "small"?
A: "Is it in?"
Q: What are the three words women hate to hear most during sex?
A: "Honey, I'm home!"
Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the
same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job?
A: After 20 years, the job still sucks.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 10 years and 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A: You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The position of the dirt bag.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.
Q: What is the difference between men and women.
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants
every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year.
Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a goodyear.
Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather...kinky is using the whole chicken.
Q: What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
A: About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between pink and purple?
A: Your grip.
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.
Q: What's the difference between a slut and a bitch?
A: A slut screws everyone. A bitch screws everyone but you.
Q: What's the difference between a Spice Girls video and a porn video?
A: The porn video has better music.
Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.
Q: What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A: Nobody eats parsley.
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play
with...the other is used to carry groceries.
Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
Q: How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex?
A: Call her.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wet and wild, but when they go they take
your house and car with them!!!
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting
circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Q: What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A: You know she'll swallow.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.
Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q: What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blow Job?
A: Blow job: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blow job
Q: How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing.
Q: How do we know God is a man?
A: Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
Q: What would you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian's apartment?
A: Potpourri.
Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall?
A: A crack in the ceiling.
Q: What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A: One is a snack cracker. The other is a crack snacker.
Q: What do you call 10 lesbians in a tent?
A: Finger Hut.
Q: What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
A: Well-hung.
Q: What's another term for lesbian?
A: "Vagitarian."
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotapuss.
Q: What did the one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: "I'll be damned. We do taste like chicken."
Q: What do you get when you cross a lesbian and an anteater?
A: Armadildo.
Q: What were the names of the Irish gay couple?
A: Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald.
Q: Did you hear about the gay boxer?
A: He's got some fruit punch.
Q: What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar?
A: A "flame-thrower."
Q: What happened to the woman when the two gay guys jumped her?
A: One held her down, while the other did her hair.
Q: Did you hear about the gay midget?
A: He came out of the cupboard.
Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: Megasaurass.
Q: What did one gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Q: What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
A: Speed bumps.
Q: What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic divers?
A: Mark Spitz and Greg swallows.
Q: What is the first symptom of aids?
A: A heavy pounding in the rectum.
Q: What is the new gay internet address?
A: c : enter
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
A: Your last blow job....ever!
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears?
A: Her legs.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up
with mud.
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped
or extremely small.
Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck
and the noose.
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A: His body.
Q: Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A: To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make
90% of their decisions.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
Q: Why did god put men on Earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for suck here.
Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a french kiss, but only down under.
Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but men usually end up playing with
them.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: What Do you call a prostitute that masturbates?
A: Self Employed.
Q: Did you hear about the leper who made the painful mistake of jerking off?
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It is sex with someone they love.
Q: A father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that, son,
or you'll go blind."
A: The kid says, "Pop, I'm over here."
Q: Did you hear about the man who got caught masturbating while on
board a commercial airliner?
A: He was arrested for skyjacking.
Q: Why is sex like playing bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
Q: What do jello and a woman have in common?
A: They both wiggle when you eat them.
Q: What do women and condoms have in common?
A: They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.
Q: What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
A: Odor eaters.
Q: What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A: A hard pecker.
Q: What kind of bees give milk?
A: Boo bees.
Q: What do you do if a pit bull mounts your leg?
A: Fake an orgasm.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why did god make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.
Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he's coming or going.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken there was a slut.
Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have enough time.
Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A: His hand caught fire.
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Q: What do a near sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.
Q: On what day is a nymphomaniac forced to make the toughest decision of her life?
A: The day she meets a guy with a fourteen inch dick...and herpes.
Q: What do you call a hooker working the highway exits?
A: A tollhouse cookie.
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.
Q: What's the difference between John and Lorena Bobbitt?
A: She's crazy and he's just nuts.
Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash?
A: Some dick cut her off.
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
Q: What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A: They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
Q: Why did God give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.
Q: What does a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
A: Whatever she wants... he's asleep.
Q: What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A: Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q: What does Jack do when he's turned on?
A: Jack-off.
Q: What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
A: Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
Q: What do you call a group of virgins covered with whipped cream?
A: A cherry pie.
Q: What kind of Bees give Milk?
A: Boobies!
Q: How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
A: It's not hard!
Q: What did the left ball say to the right ball?
A: Don't talk to the guy in the middle -- he's a dick.
Q: What do women and airplanes have in common?
A: Cockpits.
Q: How do you know a blond likes you?
A: She sleeps with you two nights in a row.
Q: What is the only bad thing about the 69 position?
A: The view.
Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce?
A: Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce.
Q: Why doesn't Popeye's dick get rusty?
A: Because he keeps it in Olive Oil.
Q: What's the difference between driving in stormy weather and
oral sex on a woman?
A: While driving in stormy weather you can't see the a**hole in
front of you.
Q: Why did the man wear a camoflauge condom?
A: Because he did not want his wife to see him cumming.
Q: How do you know you're really ugly?
A: The dog humping your leg has his eyes closed!
Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q: How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Q: Why don't women have any brains?
A: Because they don't have a dick to carry them around in!
Q: Did you hear about the guy who made love to his refrigerator?
A: It was bone-chilling!
Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Q: How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A: The one with the dirty knees.
Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Q: How can you tell a macho women?
A: She rolls her own tampons.
Q: Which is easier to filet: a fish or a fly?
A: A fly. Just one zip, and the bone flies out!
Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.
Q: What did the wife do when she found out her husband was gay?
A: She turned around and took it like a man.
Q: What did one nut say to the other nut?
A: Why are we the ones hanging? Dick did the shooting.
Q: Why did the male orgasm pinch the female orgasm?
A: To make sure it was real.
Q: What's the difference between a band of Pygmies and a girls'
track team?
A: A band of Pygmies is a cunning bunch of runts.
Q: How do you recognize a male porn star at the gas station?
A: Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and
sprays it all over the car.
Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: She choked.
Q: What do fat ladies and mopeds have in common?
A: Both are fun to ride on, till your friends catch you.
Q: What is the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a cheerleader?
A: She does a split and five school rings fall out.
Q: Why did the midget get kicked out of the nudist colony?
A: He kept getting into everyone's hair.
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of Pantyhose?
A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number
of hares, and a fish no one can find.
Q: What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
A: The stiff in the coffin is going.
Q: What's the difference between a wife and Jell-O?
A: Jell-O moves when you eat it.
Q: Why did the condom cross the road?
A: It got pissed off.
Q: What do you call a baby before it's born?
A: Daddy's little squirt.
Q: What do men consider safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: What does a Russian submarine and a fertility clinic have in common?
A: They're both full of floating seamen.
Q: How do you know a guy's got a high sperm count?
A: When his dates have to chew before they swallow.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
A: A 30-foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.
Q: How much calcium is in a woman's breast?
A: Enough to make a bone 8 inches long!
Q: Did you hear about the Hard-on Olympics?
A: Apparently, there's some stiff competition.
Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A: Donuts.
Q: What do Stephen Hawking and Ricky Martin have in common?
A: They're both interested in black holes.
Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
If there is no menu on the left side of the screen, you need to click here to activate the menu.