INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

Moosehead: A great beer and a new experience for a moose.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Alcohol doesn't make you fat ... it makes you lean ... on tables, chairs and random ugly people.

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
- Dean Martin.

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."
- W.C. Fields

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind."
- Humphrey Bogart

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
- Frank Sinatra

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
- Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
- Stephen Wright

"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!"
- Dave Howell

"I drink to make other people interesting."
- George Jean Nathan

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
- Dave Barry

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
- Brian O'Rourke

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
- Benjamin Franklin

When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
--Al Capone

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered."

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
- Jack Handy

98% of people say 'Oh Shit' before going in the ditch on a slippery road.
The other 2% are from Pittsburgh and they say, 'Hold my beer and watch this.'

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking...
Scared the shit out of me.
So that's it!

After today, NO MORE READING!!!

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Scientists in the United States have discovered that beer contains small amounts of the female hormone, estrogen. To prove their theory, the scientist served 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and they couldn't drive.

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a woman wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

Two Hydrogens walk into a bar.

The first one says, "Oh No, I lost an electron!"

The second one says, "Are you sure?"

The first one says, "Yeah, I'm positive."

A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself :

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my Legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Lady: "No, they open!"

A blonde goes into a bar.

The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Bring me a beer."

The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"

To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

A Termite walks into the bar and says, "excuse me, is the bar tender here?"

A white horse walks into an English pub for a drink.

The barman says "Hey, I know a pub named after you !"

The horse replies "What !!!! Ted ???!!!"

A grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "You know, we have a drink named after you here."

The grasshopper looks puzzled, and replies "You have a drink named Fred?"

So this mushroom walks into a bar and sits down.

The mushroom says, "Hey bartender! Can I get a drink?"

The bartender says, "Sorry man, we dont serve your kind around here."

The mushroom replies, "What man? I'm a FUN GUY!"

There were these two drunks walking down a railroad track. One of them exclaimed, "These long stairs sure get me down."

The other replied, "It's not the stairs that get to me, it's these low banisters."

Excerpted from the L.A. Times:

"Researchers at Harvard say drinking a lot of alcohol decreases a woman's chance of getting pregnant.

If these guys spent less time in the lab and more time in frat houses, they'd get a completely different picture."

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:

           ---------------------------------------
           |   Cheese Sandwich:   $1.50          |
           |   Chicken Sandwich:  $2.50          |
           |   Hand Job:         $10.00          |
           ---------------------------------------
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Winston Churchill was at a dinner party and one of his political opponents, a certain Lady Astor (I think), was arguing with him. She finally said: "Sir, you are drunk", to which he replied, "True, madam, and you are ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober".

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.

Q: What's the difference between missionary style and doggie style?
A: About five drinks.

Q: Why do elephants drink?
A: To forget.

Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a buck-fifty, and deer nuts are under a buck.

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