Aussie Drinkers' Troubleshooting Chart
Symptom | Fault | Action |
Beer unusually pale and tasteless. | Glass empty. | Get someone to buy you another beer. |
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. | Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. | Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror. |
Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at incorrect angle. | Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. |
Feet warm and wet. | Improper bladder control. | Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand more beer. |
Floor blurred. | You are looking through bottom of empty glass. | Get someone to buy you another beer. |
Floor moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another bar; if not, then scream that you are being kidnapped. |
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. | You have fallen over backward. | Have yourself leashed to the bar. |
Mouth contains cigarette butts. | You have fallen backward. | See above. |
Room seems unusually dark. | Bar has closed. | Confirm home address with bartender. |
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