Who's On First (computer version)
abbott: ultimate superduper computer store. can i help you?
costello: thanks. i'm setting up a home office in the den, and i'm thinking of buying a computer.
abbott: mac?
costello: no, the name is bud.
abbott: your computer?
costello: i don't own a computer. i want to buy one.
abbott: mac?
costello: i told you, my name is bud.
abbott: what about windows?
costello: why? does it get stuffy?
abbott: do you want a computer with windows?
costello: i don't know. what do i see when i look out the windows?
abbott: wallpaper.
costello: never mind the windows. i need a computer and software.
abbott: software that runs on windows?
costello: no, on the computer! i need something i can use to write proposals, track expenses. you know, run a business. what have you got?
abbott: office.
costello: yeah, for my office. can you recommend anything?
abbott: i just did.
costello: you just did what?
abbott: recommended something.
costello: you recommended something?
abbott: yes.
costello: for my office?
abbott: yes.
costello: okay, what did you recommend for my office?
abbott: office.
costello: yes, for my office.
abbott: office for windows.
costello: i already have an office and it already has windows! let's say i'm sitting at my computer, and i want to type a proposal. what do i need?
abbott: word.
costello: if i'm writing a proposal, i'm going to need lots of words. but what program do i load?
abbott: word.
costello: what word?
abbott: the word in office.
costello: the only word in office is office.
abbott: the word in office for windows.
costello: which word in "office for windows?"
abbott: the word you get when you click the blue w.
costello: i'm going to click your big w if you don't give me a straight answer. let's forget about words for a minute. what do i need if i want to watch a movie over the internet?
abbott: realone.
costello: maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. what i watch is none of your business. but what do i need to watch it?
abbott: realone.
costello: if it's a long movie i'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. can i watch reel four?
abbott: of course.
costello: great! with what?
abbott: realone.
costello: okay, so i'm sitting at my computer and i want to watch a movie. what do i do?
abbott: you click the blue 1.
costello: i click the blue one what?
abbott: the blue 1.
costello: is that different from the blue w?
abbott: of course it is. the blue 1 is realone. the blue w is word.
costello: what word?
abbott: the word in office for windows.
costello: but there's three words in "office for windows!"
abbott: no, just one. but it's the most popular word in the world.
costello: it is?
abbott: yes, although to be fair there aren't many other words left. it pretty much wiped out all the other words.
costello: and that word is the real one?
abbott: no. realone has nothing to do with word. realone isn't even part of office.
costello: never mind; i don't want to get started with that again. but i also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. what do you have to help me track my money?
abbott: money.
costello: that's right. what do you have?
abbott: money.
costello: i need money to track my money?
abbott: no, not really. it comes bundled with your computer.
costello: what comes bundled with my computer?
abbott: money.
costello: money comes bundled with my computer?
abbott: exactly. no extra charge.
costello: i get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? how much money do i get?
abbott: just one copy.
costello: i get a copy of money. isn't that illegal?
abbott: no. we have a license from microsoft to make copies of money.
costello: microsoft can license you to make money?
abbott: why not? they own it.
costello: well, it's great that i'm going to get free money, but i'll still need to track it. do you have anything for managing your money?
abbott: managing your money? that program disappeared years ago.
costello: well, what do you sell in its place?
abbott: money.
costello: you sell money?
abbott: of course. but if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
costello: that's all very wonderful, but i'll be running a business. do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
abbott: simply accounting.
costello: probably, but it might get a little complicated.
abbott: if you don't want simply accounting, you might try m.y.o.b.
costello: m.y.o.b.? what does that stand for?
abbott: mind your own business.
costello: i beg your pardon?
abbott: no, that would be i.b.y.p. i said m.y.o.b.
costello: look, i just need to do some accounting for my home business. you know--accounting? you do it with money.
abbott: of course you can do accounting with money. but you may need more.
costello: more money?
abbott: more than money. money can't do everything.
costello: i don't need a sermon! okay, let's forget about money for the moment. i'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? crash. and if my computer crashes, what can i use to restore my data?
abbott: goback.
costello: okay. i'm worried about my computer smashing and i need something to restore my data. what do you recommend?
abbott: goback.
costello: how many times do i have to repeat myself?
abbott: i've never asked you to repeat yourself. all i said was goback.
costello: how can i go back if i haven't even been anywhere? okay, i'll go back. what do i need to write a proposal? word.
costello: but i'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
abbott: no, you only need one word-the word in office for windows.
costello: but there's three words in...oh, never mind.
abbott: hello? hello? customers! why do they always hang up on me? oh, well.
abbott: ultimate superduper computer store. can i help you?
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