Triscuts are the perfect snack for anyone that has ever had the urge to eat wicker furniture.

Coffee is the silent victim in our house. It gets mugged every day.

Meat consumed as a comfort food is also an emotional support animal.

When I was young, nobody asked if dinner was gluten-free. We just ate it and prayed it wasn't liver.

If things get really bad and you hae to resort to cannibalism, remember: vegans first. They're the closest thing to grass fed.

This year has been all about personal growth:R I've changed from M to XXL

I passed 6 liquor stores, 8 vape shops and 3 cannabis shops on my wway to pick up my illegal raw milk because the government cares about our health.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants. You've probasbly never heard of herbivore.

How to prepare Tofu:
Step 1: Throw it in the trash.
Step 2: Fry up some bacon.

When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets. Why?
Because "stressed" spelled backwards is "deserts."

Waitress: Do you wanna box for your leftovers?
Customer: Nah, I hate violence, you can have them.

I'm still exhausted from the CrossFit this morning.
It's pronounced "croissant" and you ate four of them.

The world's healthiest plant based meat comes from a vegan cow.

Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.

I eat twice as much meat, just so one vegan that thinks they're making a difference, is making no difference at all.

Happy people live longer.
Bacon makes people happy.
Therefore, bacon makes you live longer.

I'm into personal growth.
This year I went from M to XXL

I've made you a vegan Birthday Cake.
The ingredients are sadness, disappointment, and despair.

My family calls the night before Christmas Eve, "Christmas Adam" and the tradition meal is ribs.
- GodlessMom

A reverse-Hanukkah miracle happened to me.
I had 8 days supply of donuts and they lasted 1 day.

How do you know if someone's vegan?
Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Fresh organic vegetables!
I feed them to the pigs to make healthy bacon!

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians. Help end the violence. Eat Bacon.

Cows make grass taste good!

Processed food was literally designed for you to eat. Organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere.

We have never found a cave painting of a salad.

Bacon is actually the second reason I'm not a vegan. I'm not a moron being the first reason.

Restaurant question
Customer: How do you prepare the chicken?
WaitressL: We just tell them straight out they are going to die.<> It's never too late to start exercising.
That's why I'm waiting until later.

A pizza is basically a real-time pie chart of how much pizza is left.

Me: I'm still tired from all the crossfit this morning.
Co-worker: It's pronounced "croissant" and you ate four of them.

Scientists discover a technology that turns plants into delicious meat without any factories, synthetic chemicals or seed oils.
Cows.

Venus Flytraps can live on sunlight and soil nutrients alone ... but every morning they wake up and choose violence.

Q: Is British food realy that bad?
A: If made correctly; yes.

Vegan Bacon
Fake bacon is for people who think meat is murder, but still like the taste of murder.

Meat is so good that even vegans pretend they're eating it.

Dear Vegans:
I killed this cow because it was eating your food.
You're welcome.

I think it's disgusting how vegans still drink water.
That's a fish's home.

Venus Flytrap
Even plants eat meat. What now vegans?

Hamburger helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept it needs help.

The McDonald's McRib is the dead beat dad of the fast food world. It comes around once a year and we're all supposed to act excited.

I'm so glad that I don't have to actually hunt for food since I have no clue where gluten free tacos live.

Whoever put the "S"in faStfood is a marketing genius.

I only eat bacon twice a year.
On my birthday, and not on my birthday.

My mouth waters when I smell steak cooking ...
I wonder if the same happens to vegans when they mow the lawn?

Vegans combine 5+ carcinogens and 10+ industrial chemicals to make "food" instead of just eating an egg.

Don't feel guilty about eating meat.
We didn't fight our way to the top of the food chain to become vegetarians.

Blackened Chicken Recipe:
1) clean chicken
2) place chicken in oven
3) check your facebook

They say cows are bad for the environment, but all they do is eat plants and fart.
Kinda like vegans.

Vegan food ain't that bad once you add meat and cheese to it.

PLANT BASED
isthe newest meaningless narketing term used to dupe people who know very little about nutrition but who "kinda-sorta" want to eat better.
THINGS THAT ARE PLANT BASED:
sugar, vegetable oils, flour, kid cereals, Jack Daniels, cocaine, heroin...
- Chris Shugart

If you eat an entire cake without cutting it you technically only had one piecew.

My favorite essential oil is bacon grease.

Onion rings are really vegetable donuts.

Johnson BBQ in Plant City Florida just released a t-shirt with their favorite Yelp review.
No vegan food here.

Obesity runs in my family.
Nobody runs in your family.

I've been watching my weight.
It's still there.

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it gets all brown and soggy?
Cookies don't do that.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longger than the rest of us.
Nine horrible, worthless, baconless years.

Just got an emotional support animal. It's a pig. Not the whole pig. Okay, it's bacon.

Customer: I'd like a burger.
Waitress: Is vegan OK?
Customer: Is monopoly money OK?

I think it's disgusting how vegans still drink water.
That's a fish's home.

I eat bacon because there are more than enough people to eat stuff like vegetables.

A waitress walks up to a couple sitting at the table.
He says, "We don't eat dairy, eggs, meat, soy, gluten or nuts. What do you recommend we get?"
She responds, "The Fvck out."

Couple at a BBQ
Meat eater: Don't worry! These hamburgers are plant based.
Vegan: This is delicious. What plant are these made from?
Meat Eater: A meat processing plant.

Opium is a plant.
Heroin is made from opium.
Therefore Heroin can be a part of your vegetarian diet.

Cigars are healthy
They're made from leaves
That makes them salad

Smoking causes cancer and bacon causes cancer,
but smoking bacon cures it.

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.

Kale is so versatile ...
It literally fits into any size trash can!
Follow me for more gardenng tips.

Supposedly, cows are farting a lot and ruining the environment. So I eat them. You're welcome.
Be a hero. Eat meat.

Once you lick the icing off a cupcake it becomes a muffin.
Muffins are healthy.

Chinese takeout: $12
Tip: $3
Getting home and realizing they forgot part of your order:
RICELESS

What do we learn from hippopotamuses?
That it's impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.

I have a perfect body.
It's your vision that's defective.

Every time you eat kale ... a baby donut dies.

Over 5,000 years of eating bread and in less than a decade everyone is alergic to gluten.

Fun Fact:
We have never found a cave painting of a salad.

Fun Fact:
The more you gag while eating kale, the more calories you'll burn.

I was born a male and idenify as male, but according to Stouffer's Lasagna, I'm a family of 4.

Did you know?
Replacing your potato chips with grapefruit as a snack you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you still have left in your life.

I'm fat, but I identify as skinny.
I'm trans-slender.

If you had to choose between eating chocolate every day or being skinny for the rest of your life - would you choose milk, dark or white chocolate?

Pro Cooking Tip:
If you stir coconut oil into your kale, it makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.

You are never worthless.
Organs go for a lot on the black market.

Maybe eating tacos wasn't cheating on my diet.
Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my tacos.

What do we want?
A cure for Obesity.
When do we want it?
After Dinner.

A couple are eating dinner, and the woman says, "I'd do anything to lose 10lbs, except eat healthy and work out."

After a particularly bad meal one night, the son takes his father aside.
"Dad, why is the food cold and bland?"
"Son, because your mother put her heart and soul into it."

I'm glad I don't have to hunt for my own food.
I don't even know where tacos live.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
- Author Unknown

Things you might say if you never took Physics:
I'm overweight even though I don't overeat.
- Neil deGrasse Tyson

A weight Loss book written by Physicists would be 1 sentence long:
consume calories at a lower rate than your body burns them.
- Neil deGrasse Tyson

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

I've tried everything to lose weight, except diet and exercise.

Whenever I get the urge to exercise, I lie down until it goes away...

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha.

The Fat Acceptance Movement is an excuse for fat people to ignore their dangerously unhealthy lifestyle and force the normalcy of morbid obesity.

Fat acceptance movement in a nutshell
1) Promote obesity
2) Ignore the proven health effects
3) Humiliate and tear down skinny people

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