Why do nurses carry red pens with them?
In case they need to draw blood.
Patient: The problem is obesity runs in my family.
Doctor: No. The problem is nobody runs in your family.
A doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.
The doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife,
"You aren't so good in bed either!" and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.
After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone.
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."
Your x-ray showed a broken rib, but we fixed it with Photoshop.
I tried calling the tinnitus helpline. There was no answer, it just kept ringing.
If I was a plastic surgeon ... I would put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.
Doctor: Do you exercise?
Patient: I'm a runner. I run from my problems, I run late, and I run my mouth.
Doctor: I'm going to deliver your baby.
Parents: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver.
Last year I was miserable and depressed, but this year I turned that shit around so I'm depressed and miserable now.
Recent studies show that 100% of people who drink water, die.
My son asked me, "Daddy? How do stars die?
I answered him, "Drugs normally."
Insanity does NOT run in my family.
It strolls through, takes it's time, and gets to know everyone personally.
I'm just like everyone else ...
I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Your IQ Test results came back negative.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.
Putting the word alternative before medicine
is like pointing at a dog and saying "That's my alternative cat."
It's still not a cat.
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."
- Tom Waits
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
Out of my mind ... Back in five minutes.
Gone crazy, be back shortly.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
Does a medical book have an appendix?
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was surprised.
I'd love to but, I have to study for a blood test.
... at least the doctors find me fascinating ...
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news - the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
"A Hospital? What is it doctor?"
"A big white building..."
Today is International Disturbed People's Day.
Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend ... just as I've done.
This week is National Mental Care week. You can do your part by
remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
My part is done!
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
- Rita Mae Brown
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of
Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well ... I can clearly see your nuts."
An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened. After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "what is the matter with you? This lady is over 60 years old, has four grown children and several grand children! And you told her she was pregnant?"
The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, he asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
The patient asked, "What's the diagnosis doctor?"
The doctor replied, "What is your zodiac sign?"
The patient said, "Cancer."
The doctor said, "What a coincidence.
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it.
The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign:
"Queers and Rears."
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"
"How much time, Doc?"
"Ten."
"Doc, ten what? Days, weeks, months?"
Nine."
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
"What seems to be the problem" the doctor asks?
"I was stung by a bee between the first and the second hole" she replies.
"Wow", the doctor says, "you must have an awfully wide stance!!!"
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
She says, "I don't know!" Then she opens the door and yells to her husband, "Do we have intercourse?"
"No!" he says. "We have Blue Cross!"
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "What? What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."
Q: What did the doctor say to the nervous patient who was about to
have a circumsicion done?
A: It won't be long now!
Q: What do the gynecologist and the Domino's delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the pie but neither one of them can eat it.
Q: Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat too close
to the fire place?
A: He melted.
Q: How do you get an emphysema patient to pay his bill?
A: Tell him to cough it up.
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