INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy."
- Tom Waits

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Gone crazy, be back shortly.

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.

Does a medical book have an appendix?

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Does a medical book have an appendix?

Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was surprised.

I'd love to but, I have to study for a blood test.

... at least the doctors find me fascinating ...

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news - the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

"A Hospital? What is it doctor?"

"A big white building..."

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on...

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafailin.

Today is International Disturbed People's Day.

Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend... just as I've done.

This week is National Mental Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
My part is done!

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
- Rita Mae Brown

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties:
"Homosexuals and Hemorrhoids."

The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it.

The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign:
"Queers and Rears."

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear.

The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"

Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor for an exam? Doctor told him "I have bad news for you. You only have a short time left to live."

"How much time, Doc?"

"Ten."

"Doc, ten what? Days, weeks, months?"

Nine."

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

A woman visits the doctor after being stung by a bee while golfing.

"What seems to be the problem" the doctor asks?

"I was stung by a bee between the first and the second hole" she replies.

"Wow", the doctor says, "you must have an awfully wide stance!!!"

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

The doctor examines the women first and asks her, "Do you and your husband have intercourse?"

She says, "I don't know!" Then she opens the door and yells to her husband, "Do we have intercourse?"

"No!" he says. "We have Blue Cross!"

Yearly Physical

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, "What? What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Q: What did the doctor say to the nervous patient who was about to have a circumsicion done?
A: It won't be long now!

Q: What do the gynecologist and the Domino's delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the pie but neither one of them can eat it.

Q: Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who sat too close to the fire place?
A: He melted.

Q: How do you get an emphysema patient to pay his bill?
A: Tell him to cough it up.

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