It was mealtime during an airline flight.
"Would you like dinner?", the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from
which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great
landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the
pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out
into a sweat.
Pilot: November 123 on a very short final, understand I'm cleared to
land?
Tower: Oh, who's talking?
Pilot: Me.
Tower: Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.
Pilot: Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up
here?
Tower: Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a
727?
Tower: CRX 500, are you on a course to SUL?
Pilot: More or less.
Tower: So proceed a little bit more to SUL.
Tower: N2234, are you a Cessna?
Pilot: No, I'm a male hispanic.
Pilot: ... request heading 110 to avoid".
Tower: To avoid what?
Pilot: To avoid delay.
Pilot: Tower, this is Cessna 4675.
Tower: Cessna 4675, go ahead.
Pilot: Tower, I don't seem to be making much progress here. How is my
ground speed?
Tower: Well, all depends. If you are a hang glider, you are doing very
well.
Captain: (after landing a bit rough) Ladies and Gentlemen, it's happy
hour. You just received two landings for the price of one.
It's good to know that some pilots have a sense of humor. Here are
some conversations that airline passengers normally don't hear. The
following are actual exchanges between airline pilots and control
towers from around the world:
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
One o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the
runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make
a right at the lights and return to the airport."
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have
the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
(This one really happened - the FE was suspended:) On some air carrier
operations, a video camera was installed in the cockpit so that passengers
could watch the pilot land the plane. On one flight, the FE decided to
have some fun with the passengers and purchased part of a gorilla costume;
more specifically, just the left arm. When the plane came in to land, the
camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla arm on. Since from the
position of the camera all you could see of the FE was his left arm,
whenever he went to reach up and flip (a) switch(es), all the video showed
was a hairy arm! So the passengers were given the illusion that a monkey
(or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating some of
the controls!!!
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but
she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when
his wife said: "Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice,
I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ..."
A controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
360 degree turn. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs
us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars worth."
PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the
tower and said, "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem,
so go ahead and let PSA go first."
The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to
object to the impersonation.
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