Student: Mouthwash.
Teacher: Get Out.
The Mother smiles and replies: "Once upon a time, me and your Daddy had a wonderful time so we decided to plant a little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves and in a few months, the seed turned into a beautiful and healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it and then we got so high that we screwed without a condom.
Never make fun of having to help me with computer stuff.
I taught you how to use a spoon.
"No matter how badly life treats you, you can comfort yourself with the thought that you had no ugly children."
A person not loyal to his country is a?
Little Johnny answered: Democrat.
I don't care much for spoiled children!
It's hard to get the smell out of the fridge.
No one likes spoiled children, so be sure to use an airtight container when storing leftovers.
"And what does she say in her prayer?" asks the teacher.
"Thank Christ the little fucker's in bed."
C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping
F.I.N.A.L.S. = Fuck, I Never Actually Learned Shit
This real-life excerpt is from the Journal of Nursing Jocularity, a humor magazine for nurses:
"A precocious 4-year-old was brought to the ER with a severe cough," a nurse writes. "She kept up a non-stop conversation while I was trying to assess her lung sounds. Finally, I said, 'Shhh, I have to see if Barney is in there.'"
The child looked at me and calmly stated, "I have Jesus in my heart. Barney is on my underwear."
And he answered, "Did he move with us, too?"
"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer, Amen."
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!".
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."
"Well, for one thing," replied the lad, "I keep your wife occupied all day."
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a 'collie' flower!"
"Yes", said his mother. "What about it?"
"Well the last generation just dropped it." exclaimed Little Johnny.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"You can't eat them if the seal is broken" Little Johnny explained, "I'm looking for the seal."
Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
"Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
One day a Little Johnny went up to his kindergarten teacher and told her that he had found a frog. The teacher asked the little boy if the frog was alive or dead. He said that the poor helpless frog was dead. The teacher was wondering how the boy knew for sure that the frog was dead.
The boy said, "I pissed in it's ear."
The teacher said, "you what?"
He said, "you know, I went to his ear and said, 'psst!' and it didn't move...So it must be dead."
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Billy, want to play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
Sally replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Billy... "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl nods and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
When Little Johnny's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But 4-year-old Johnny overheard some of his parents' private conversations. One day when Johnny and his mother were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" Johnny answered, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and so there's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no means of transportation."
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
WINNIE: Me!
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.
HAROLD: A teacher.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies Johnny.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the freaking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!"
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own freaking business.
She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking.'
Then little Johnny says, 'I have a question for YOU.'
There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little Johnny replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Johnny.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs, too."
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice "The big sissy."
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A Talking Chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your freakin' cat!"
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that broke back mountain shit in our yard."
It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.
Salesman: "Hello, son. Is your mom or dad home ?"
Little boy: "What the fuck do you think?"
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She replies in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
A heartwarming story.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
'The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits".
Q: What's the best way to call a Tyrannosaurus Rex?
A: Long distance!
Q: What does a Triceratops sit on?
A: It's Tricera-bottom!
Q: What dinosaur would you find in a rodeo?
A: Bronco-saurus!
Q: What dinosaur can't stay out in the rain?
A: Stegosaur-rust!
Q: What dinosaur loves pancakes?
A: A tri-syrup-tops.
Q: Why couldn't the long-necked dinosaur see?
A: Because it had its head in the clouds!
Q: What did the mommy snake say to the baby snake?
A: Stop crying and viper your nose!
Q: What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
A: "Stop going in circles and get to the point!"
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