INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

Judge: Do you understand that you have to tell the truth?
Me: Yes, your Honor.
Judge: Do you swear?
Me: Every day motherfvcker.

YouTube Humane Society of the United States: Lawyers In Cages

Ninety-nine percent of the lawyers give the rest of them a bad name.

So many lawyers, so few bullets...

1st we shoot all the lawyers, 2nd we strangle them, 3rd...

Old lawyers never die; they just lose their appeal.

Beautify America -- Plant a lawyer! (Deep)

Keep America beautiful...properly dispose of your lawyer.

Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.

A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless paid for.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

A lawyer is a man who helps you get what's coming to him.

A lawyer is someone who prevents somebody else from getting your money.

Lawyer \LAW-yer\ v. 1. Uses the law to get yers.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Put lawyers on the ethics committee, for balance.

My lawyer can beat up your lawyer.

A rooster clucks defiance -- but a lawyer.

Compiling...Linking...Dialing Copyright Lawyer...

Copper wire: created by two lawyers arguing over a penny.

Gibb's Law: Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.

He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.

If law school is so hard, why so many lawyers?

If the majority rules, Americans must all be lawyers.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Lawyer... One skilled in the circumvention of the law.

Lawyers do it in their briefs.

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.

Lawyers: the best argument against gun control...

Lawyers: the larval form of politicians.

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be lawyers...

Never encourage someone to become a lawyer.

Sheesh! You start havin' fun, and they send in the lawyers!

The only good lawyer is a -- naw, not even then...

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the newspaper?

I've got a brilliant lawyer. He can look at a contract and in less than a minute tell you whether it's oral or written.

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
- Frank Zappa

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.
- Mark Twain

The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.
- Will Rogers

They call it the Halls of Justice because the only place you get justice is in the halls.
- Lenny Bruce

Oh, judge, your damn laws: the good people don't need them and the bad people don't follow them so what good are they?
- Ammon Hennacy

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
- John Wing

Lawyer to his doctor: "Give it to me straight, Doc. How many billable hours do I have left?"
- Roy Delgado

It is difficult to make our material condition better by the best law, but it is easy enough to ruin it by bad laws.
- Theodore Roosevelt

No people is wholly civilized where a distinction is drawn between stealing an office and stealing a purse.
- Theodore Roosevelt

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Three, the rest are true stories.

Q: Lawyer in posh restaurant?
A: Ambiance chaser.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A: Throw him a rock.

Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 12 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they are all nice guys.

Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: They're both squirmy, both live in slime, and only one in 250 million accomplishes anything worthwhile.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
A: The bucket.

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: What's 20,000 lawyers rotting in a swamp?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead snake in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: What's the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: What is the difference between grand theft and a legal fee?
A: A law degree.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What's a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and vulture?
A: The vulture doesn't get frequent flier miles.

Q: What happens when you cross a Mafia Don (Godfather) with a lawyer?
A: You have someone who makes you an offer you can't understand!

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: Why won't rattlesnakes attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What did a lawyer name his daughter?
A: Sue.

Q: What do you think when you see a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why don't lawyers lie on the beach?
A: Cats would bury them.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Why don't lawyers have hemorrhoids?
A: Because they are perfect assholes!

Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a bottom-crawling, garbage eating, scum sucker and the other's just a fish.

Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
A: With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside!

Q: Why can't lawyers be circumcised?
A: Because there's no end to those pricks!

Q: Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.

Q: What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A: A lobotomy.

Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives (birth control)?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: A leech will drop off a dead body.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q: What do you get if you cross a lawyer with a drunk pig?
A: There are some things even a drunk pig won't do.

Q: Why experiment with animals?
A: Use lawyers!

Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

Q: Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
A: It's called, Sosumi.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A: At least the hooker will kiss you while you're getting screwed!

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and an attorney?
A: A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton.

Q: What do you get if you beat the shit out of a lawyer?
A: An empty suit.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

It was so cold last winter ...

How cold was it?

... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?

No.

Good!

You've heard about the man who got the bill from his lawyer which said, "For crossing the street to speak to you and discovering it was not you... twelve dollars."

A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"

The man replied, "Yes, but we can't prove it yet."

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

In today's headlines, the FDA administered a study where weekly doses of Viagra were given to an equal number of professional men, in this case, doctors and lawyers. While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual ability, the lawyers simply grew taller.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked "What are your rates?"

The lawyier replied, "$50.00 for three questions."

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.

"Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to. "You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

"Nasty looking crew you got to handle out there this morning, judge," said the court officer. "Where did the cops find all those crooks?"

The judge replied, "The crooks won't be here for another fifteen minutes. Those are the lawyers."

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!"

The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

A lawyer charged a man $1,000 for legal services. The man paid him in cash with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100.

The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

A quote attributed to one of America's founders, John Adams, in the play 1776: "I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress."

A lawyer addresses an all male jury: "Gentlemen, shall we cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison, or shall we return her to her Oceanside beach condo, Ocean City, telephone Number 555-4531?"

The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may indeed be true. But these days there's a 3rd thief involved pleading the case -- the lawyer.

A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."

She was on trial for having shot her husband. She'd even been discovered with the smoking gun still in her hand. During his summation, her lawyer pleaded for mercy on the basis that the lady was now a widow.

A lawyer soliciting a potential client told the man he got his last three clients suspended. What he didn't mention was that they were all hung.

A man stepped into a bar after losing a lawsuit, and most of his possessions. As he hoisted his first drink, he shouted: "All the damn lawyers are ASSHOLES!"

A man at the end of the bar yelled back: "Hey, buddy! I resent that remark."

The first man said, "Why, are you a lawyer?"

The response: "No, I'm an ASSHOLE!"

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?

They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man."

The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

"Is there a Lawyer in the House?"

BLAM!

"Any more?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer.

Twice.

A man waits in an office while his lawyer makes a deal with his wife's laywer. A few minutes later, his lawyer returns. "I got some good news and I got some bad news," the lawyer says. "Which would you like to hear first?"

"Hmm," the man says to himself. "Tell me the good news."

So the lawyer replies, "You get to keep everything that's yours."

"That's great!" the man replies. "What's the bad news?"

"You get to keep it in her house."

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

Jury-selection Process

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a dozen names are pulled. During jury selection for one trial, the judge asked potential Juror No. 1 if there was any reason he could not be a fair and impartial juror.

"There may be," he replied. "Juror No. 12 is my ex-wife, and if we were on the same jury, I guarantee we would not be able to agree on anything."

Both were excused.

A guy sees a gal in a bar. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi there, good looking! How's it going?"

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye, and says, "Listen up, buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean, it just doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just flat-ass love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"

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