Marriages are made in heaven. But, again, so are thunder, lightning, tornados and hail.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Make love, not war. --Hell, do both, get married!

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always."

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle

If it flies, floats or fucks, you're better off renting it.

Ideal wife - deaf, dumb, blind, oversexed, and owns a liquor store.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
- Spike Milligan

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
- Jackie Mason

A good divorce means never having to say you're broke.
- Sylvester Stallone

Ah, yes divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
- Robin Williams

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."
- Henny Youngman

An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie

Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.
- W.C. Fields

My wife is the sort of woman who gives necrophillia a bad name.
- Patrick Murray

Women should be obscene and not heard.
- Groucho Marx

Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.
- Rupert Hughes

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing.
- Sean Williamson

Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, 'Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades, and good standing among your friends'.
- Jeffrey Bernard

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- Groucho Marx

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H.L. Mencken

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo Di Vinci

I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
- Patrick Murray

I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.
- Tony Curtis

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Henry Youngman

I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.
- Max Kaufman

Dammit sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't be always living for pleasure.
- Oscar Wilde

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
- George Burns

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- Groucho Marx

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
- Ann Landers

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
- Erma Bombeck

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
- Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
- Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
- Bill Cosby

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- R. Rudner

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

... Love is grand. Divorce, twenty grand.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

We have a young couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable. Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog to seperate them.

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: What's the difference between outlaws and inlaws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.

Q: What do you call a man who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

Q: How are women and tornadoes alike?
Q: They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Q: What is the difference between a cyclone, a hurricane and a divorced wife?
A: No difference. They all get the house.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals".

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

She replied, "You have the biggest dick of all your friends."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

The husband said, "I have no idea. Let me take a closer look!"

The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.

The woman replied, "A billionaire."

His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's ten best friends. None of them know about it.

A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husband's ten best friends. Eight of them say he slept over. Two claim he's still there.

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"

Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down over one breast, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

"I found the remote," he said.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

Amen

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache.

"Perfect," her husband said.

"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository. It's up to you."

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