Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
- Anon
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.
- Anon
Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and
the suffering.
- Anon
Marriage is like a game of cards.
Starts with two hearts and a diamond
and ends with clubs and a spade.
- Anon
Marriage is when a man looses his bachelors degree and woman gets her masters degree.
- Anon
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the
more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
- Alan King
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest
that perhaps they're too old to do it.
- Ann Bancroft
The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be
married, and the married wish to be dead.
- Ann Landers
Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do.
- Bettina Arndt
Any husband who says, "My wife and I are completely equal partners,"
is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
- Bill Cosby
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is
unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
- Bill Cosby
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair
kit.
- Billy Connolly
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give.
- Cass Daley
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Garner
People are always asking couples whose marriages have
endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for
success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving
woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul
Newman.
- Erma Bombeck
Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring,
and then you wake up.
- Evelyn Hendrickson
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- G.K. Chesterton
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- George Burns
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you
a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in
the wrong house, that's what it means.
- George Burns
Love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.
- George Lichtenberg
Women should be obscene and not heard.
- Groucho Marx
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
- Groucho Marx
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
- Groucho Marx
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s
no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound
to interfere.
- Groucho Marx
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his
mouth shut and his checkbook open.
- Groucho Marx
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H.L. Mencken
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they
didn’t they’d be married too.
- H.L. Mencken
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life
to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper
to talk to you.
- Helen Rowland
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
- Hemant Joshi
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
- Henny Youngman
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the
carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?"
She said, "In the lake."
- Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Henny Youngman
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
- Jackie Mason
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It’s called marriage.
- James Holt McGavran
Women should have labels on their foreheads saying,
"Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, genitals,
current account, confidence, razor blades, and good standing among your
friends."
- Jeffrey Bernard
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take
it anyway.
- Joey Adams
Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to
take out the trash.
- Joyce Brothers
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope
of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo Di Vinci
I don't think I'll get married again.
I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard
All tragedies are finished by a death, all comedies by a
marriage.
- Lord Byron
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the
same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning,
a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late
at night.
- Marie Corelli
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then it was too late.
- Max Kaufman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
Dammit sir, it's your duty to get married.
You can't be always living for pleasure.
- Oscar Wilde
My wife is the sort of woman who gives necrophillia a bad name.
- Patrick Murray
I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me and the second one didn't.
- Patrick Murray
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that
causes all the trouble.
- Raymond Hull
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
Ah, yes divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet.
- Robin Williams
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
- Roger Price
Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.
- Rupert Hughes
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to
let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry
Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without
the neighbours seeing.
- Sean Williamson
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.
- Spike Milligan
A good divorce means never having to say you're broke.
- Sylvester Stallone
I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife.
- Tony Curtis
Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to
have to keep one.
- W.C. Fields
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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