The Top 20 Arguments in Microsoft's Appeal
20. Your Honor, all of our arguments have been posted on www.judgeswifenaked.com.
19. But I appeared in a commercial wearing a sweater! Would an evil overlord of an industry-crippling monopoly appear on TV wearing a *sweater*?
18. Okay, let me get this straight: You're saying you want us to have *two* monopolies instead of one?!?
17. Her first name ain't Baby, it's Janet -- Miss Reno if you're nasty!
16. Continue with this foolishness, mortal, and I will be forced to unleash the vengeance of my 500-foot metal battle-robot, Mechasoft!
15. This court has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. [Close] [Details]
14. Splitting the company would leave the whole world domination thing wide open for Oprah.
13. Our reasons for appealing this judgement are myriad and a bit complicated to explain because you people are -- no offense -- WAY too stupid to understand.
12. Isn't anyone at all concerned that McDonalds sells breakfast and lunch?
11. Once we start splitting, there'll be no end to it. We'll continue multiplying and dominating every market we enter. Beware the tribble factor!!
10. We've got fifteen million reasons to throw out this case -- in small, unmarked bills.
09. Divestiture will restrict the free flow of pornography guaranteed to all Americans by the Bill of Rights.
08. If Windows and our applications can't work together, the system may become unstable and prone to crashing... Ha! Just a little humor, Your Honor!
07. Let me explain it this way, Your Honor: as part of Microsoft's endless commitment to serving the needs of its users, we track all traffic to www.humongous-asses.com. Do you catch my drift, gavelman778?
06. Lay off or the animated paperclip gets it!
05. We've begun the split, Your Honor, by appointing Donato the head of one company and Marisleysis the head of the other.
04. Immunity from prosecution was clearly stipulated in Mr. Gates's blood contract with Satan.
03. A split would force Microsoft to release some of its geeks back into the wild, making America 90% less sexy.
02. Mr. Gates agrees to remove the helmet, breathing apparatus and cape, and refrain from strangling or hurling heavy equipment at his adversaries. In exchange, he gets to keep the Death Star.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Argument in Microsoft's Appeal...
01. Two companies would mean Melinda would have to sleep with Bill twice each year to retain her stock options.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
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