The Top 15 New U.S. Army Weapons for 2001

15. The Britney Spear -- A deadly assault weapon with razor sharp, retractable twelve inch nipples which reduce men to drooling idiots.

14. R-23 Multi-Environment Inhalation Assistance Device for Short-Term, Repeatable Infantry Stimulus -- Okay, it's actually just a $750 crack pipe.

13. RoboReagan -- Oh, come on. Did you *really* think he was hospitalized for a broken hip?

12. The Heche Bomb -- Rather than killing countless civilians like its thermonuclear predecessor, detonation of this warhead simply bewilders the enemy by wandering amongst them, knocking on their doors and making strange remarks.

11. Compassionate Carbine -- Kills just as effectively, but a small sound chip in the stock says, "I'm sorry" with each bullet fired.

10. Ultra Anthrax Plus -- Similar to regular Anthrax, but with a hint of lemon for a clean, refreshing scent!

09. Sharkbomb -- Fills the target area with thousands attorneys, leaving it bogged down by legal haggling.

08. Army of One -- Pvt. First Class Frank Richards will be dispatched to finally eliminate those pesky Iraqis. We expect him to be far more effective than a full dose of the Army, without all of the unpleasant side effects.

07. The Atomic Balm -- Deadly Chapstick that comes in three luminescent colors: Irradiated Iraq Indigo, Glowing Gorky Green and Malignant Mao Mauve.

06. Land Mimes -- Will repulse, frustrate and anger the enemy; now with potent "trapped in a box" mechanism.

05. "Star Wars" Defense System - Network of ground- and orbital- based weapons designed to prevent George Lucas from entering U.S. airspace with another lame "prequel."

04. SHDI (Strategic Hairpiece Defense Initiative) -- Uses satellite laser technology to track Sam Donaldson.

03. Don't Ask Don't Telegraph -- Global communication without leaving the closet!

02. The Subliminable Obsiconfusionary Mispronunciator -- Confuses foreign leaders by introducing gibberish into speeches. Best of all, it's stealthiable.

and Topfive.com's Number 1 New U.S. Army Weapon for 2001...

01. The Lewinsky Land Mine -- Get anywhere near it and it'll blow your nuts off.

              [  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]
              [   Copyright 2001 by Chris White    ]

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