INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

TV is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
- Ernie Kovacs

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Tom Clancy

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
- Steve Martin

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- Rodney Dangerfield

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.
- Lynn Lavner

Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.
- Matt Barry

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- George Burns

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation The other eight are unimportant.
- George Burns

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
- Sharon Stone

My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading.
- Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
- Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
- Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

Ah, yes divorce...from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
- Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
- Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
- Jay Leno and / or Robert De Niro

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
- Dave Barry

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
- Jay Leno

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
- Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
- Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, what's the problem?
- Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
- Elayne Boosler

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
- Jerry Seinfeld

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- George Carlin

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
- Jeff Foxworthy

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
- Robin Williams

I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blond.
- Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
- Rita Rudner

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.
- Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
- Rita Rudner

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
- Susie Loucks

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"
- Judy Tenuta

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
- Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them.
- Sue Grafton

I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
- Gilda Radner

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
- Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
- Sue Kolinsky

I look just like the girls next door . . . if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.
- Dolly Parton

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?
- Wendy Liebman

I think - therefore I'm single.
- Lizz Winstead

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.
- Carol Leifer


Groucho Marx Quotes

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Whatever it is I'm against it.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them... well, I have others.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

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