People who object to weapons aren't abolishing violence, they're begging for rule by brute force, when the biggest, strongest animals among men were always automatically "right". Guns ended that, and social democracy is a hollow farce without an armed populace to make it work.
- L. Neil Smith

Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor, and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Nations and peoples who forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and freedoms.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Limiting the freedom of news "just a little bit" is in the same category within the classic example "a little bit pregnant".
- Robert A. Heinlein

A free press is one that prints a dictator's speech but doesn't have to.
- Laurence J. Peter

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.
- Laurence J. Peter

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
--Al Capone

When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
--Al Capone

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
--Ambrose Bierce

Optimism: The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. ... It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.
--Ambrose Bierce

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
--Douglas Adams

Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
--Arthur C. Clarke

If lyrics make people do things, how come we don't love each other?
--Frank Zappa

Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
--Frank Zappa

Government is the Entertainment Division of the military-industrial complex.
--Frank Zappa

Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.
--Frank Zappa

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
--Frank Zappa

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
--Groucho Marx

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
--Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
--Groucho Marx

We stand today at a crossroads: One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other leads to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to make the right choice.
--Woody Allen

The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.
--David Brinkley

If you're not worried, you're not paying attention.

The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen, and stupidity.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

When you're arguing with an idiot make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing!

You have no idea how acutely depressing it is to realize we're from the same species.

Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Wait ... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

I'm sorry, do I resemble your therapist?

I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation.

I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra.
Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

Thought for the day: Handle every situation like a dog.
If you can't Eat it or Screw it, Piss on it and Walk Away.

Thought for the day:
Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures... Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head!

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Hey, what about Ba Ba Blacksheep?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

In a physics lab, which involved light, electricity and magnetism, one requirement of the course was to read the week's experiment before coming to class. At one lab session the instructor wanted to see how many people had actually done so.

"What are the two types of light?" he asked. The lab fell quiet until one wise guy raised his hand and said, "Uhhh, Miller and Coors?"

Q: What does FAQ stand for?
A: We are Frequently Asked this Question, and we have no idea.

Q: If all the cars in the country were pink, what would we have?
A: A pink car nation.

Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: You fill it with gas.

Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.

Q: Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

Q: Why is there no Disneyland in China?
A: No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.

Q: What do old people and Italians have in common?
A: They always forget about it.

A: What would you call an Italian slum?
Q: A spaghetto.

Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo.

Q: What's the definition of a strict vegeterian?
A: Someone who beats their kids with celery.

Q: Did you read the new book about crazy glue?
A: From what I understand, you can't put it down!

Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Franklin Mint
A: Yeah, he just didn't make any cents.

Q: Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

Q: How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: "Dam".

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A: National Dyslexics Association.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A stick.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A: A pachydermatologist Q: What do you give an elephant with diarreah?
A: Plenty of room.

Q: What does an elephant use for a tampon?
A: A sheep.

Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.

Q: What is a zebra?
A: 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.

Q: What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?
A: Iceberg.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.

Q: Where do you get virgin wool from?
A: Ugly sheep.

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

Q: Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?
A: He decided to stick it out for one more year.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A: A dog that runs for help...after it bites your leg off.

Q: What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the Post Office?
A: They're hiring.

Q: If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A: K9P.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q: What's the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales?
A: White fairy tales starts, "Once upon a time..."
Black fairy tales starts, "Yo, you motherfuckers ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Q: What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairy tale?
A: A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairy talebegins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ..."

Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells you to fuck off!

Q: How do you know when your house has been robbed by an Asian gang member?
A: The dog is missing and your homework is done.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip?
A: To get to the other... um... er...

Q: Why are racist jokes so short?
A: So racists can understand them!

Q: What's the difference between a mutt and a pedigreed dog?
A: About a hundred and fifty dollars.

Q: What do you call four singing female rodents?
A: The Mice Girls!

Q: What did the bird say when her boyfriend bought her the wrong perfume?
A: Cheep cheep!

Q: What's the difference between a taxi driver and an elephant?
A: The elephant has the trunk in the front and the assh*le in the back.

Q: What has three teeth and sixty feet?
A: The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

Q: What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A: A mechanic.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an Atheist?
A: There is no one to talk to during Orgasm!!!

Q: What does the agnostic dyslexic insomniac do at night?
A: Lies awake wondering whether there really is a dog.

Q: How do you get a robot to hallucinate.
A: Give it battery acid.

Q: What kind of ticks do you find on the moon?
A: Luna-ticks!

Q: What kind of bulbs should you plant on the moon?
A: Light bulbs!

Q: How many Borg does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the whole collective enjoys the experience!

Q: What is an astronaut's favorite meal?
A: Launch!

Q: When is a window like a star?
A: When it's a skylight!

Q: What kinds of songs do planets like to sing?
A: Nep-tunes!

Q: What kind of poem can you find in outer space?
A: Uni-verse!

Q: Why couldn't the astronaut land on the moon?
A: It was already full!

Q: What did the astronaut cook for lunch?
A: An unidentified frying object!

Q: How did the astronaut serve dinner in outer space?
A: On flying saucers!

Q: What's the best way to talk to a martian?
A: Long distance!

Q: What's a martian's normal eyesight?
A: 20-20-20!

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe player and brain surgery?
A: You get an anesthetic for brain surgery.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q: Why do some people take an instant hatred to bagpipe players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q: What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q: How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A: He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q: How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A: You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q: What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A: You can tune the lawn mower.

Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune bagpipe player, an out-of-tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?
A: The out-of-tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.

Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A: Add vibrato.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and dead bagpiper in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A: The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q: What's the range of a bagpipe?
A: Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q: Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q: How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A: Someone is blowing into it.

Q: What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: To get away from the sound.

Q: What's the definition of "optimism" A: A bagpiper with a beeper.

Q: How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.

If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end -- it would be a good idea.

Did you hear the one about the bagpiper who parked his car with the windows open, forgetting that he had left his bagpipes in the back seat?

He rushed back as soon as he realised it, but it was too late -- someone had already put another set of bagpipes in the car!

Landlord: "Did they awaken you?"

Tenant: "No. As it happened, I was still up practicing my bagpipes."

Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them!

Q: What happens when two frogs collide?
A: They get tongue tied!

Q: How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
A: Unhoppy.

Q: What happens when you mix a frog with a bathtub scrubby-mit?
A: A rubbit!

Q: Why did the frog read Sherlock Holmes?
A: He liked a good croak and dagger.

Q: What happened to the frog's car when his parking meter expired?
A: It got toad!

Q: What's green green green green green?
A: A frog rolling down a hill.

Q: What is a frog's favorite game?
A: Croaket.

Q: What did the frog order at McDonald's?
A: French flies and a diet Croak.

Q: Why did the frog say meow?
A: He was learning a foreign language.

Q: Why did the frog go to the hospital?
A: He needed a "hopperation"!

Q: What is the thirstiest frog in the world?
A: The one who drinks Canada Dry!

Q: How deep can a frog go?
A: Knee-deep Knee-deep!

Q: What do stylish frogs wear?
A: Jumpsuits!

Q: What does a bankrupt frog say?
A: "Baroke, baroke, baroke."

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