Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Beauty is only a light switch away.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?!" Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off.

I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges.

Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

Indecision is the key to flexibility. Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

Having an out of body experience. Back in five.

Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen all at once.

If at first you don't succeed, to hell with it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

You know, it's just one of those laws of physics, I guess--- the more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

Let's put some "fun" in dysfunctional.

Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.

Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.

All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.

I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.

I am Woman. I am Invincible. I am Tired.

My Reality Check bounced.

The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

It is much easier to apologize later than to ask permission.

1,000,000 Sperm And YOU Were The Fastest?

Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot.

Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates.

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

Am I getting smart with you? ... How would you know?

Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest.

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open. Just make sure the strings are still attached.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.

All men are idiots.... I married their king.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Forget world peace. Visualize turning off your turn signal.

Hang up and drive!

Honk If Anything Falls Off.

Honk If You Want To See My Finger.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.

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