Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around
in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals".
Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: Why should men be like department stores?
A: Their clothes should always be half off.
Q: Why are men like vacations?
A: They never seem to be long enough.
Q: Why are men like computers?
A: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Q: Why are men like coolers?
A: Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Q: Why are men like chocolate bars?
A: Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Q: Why are men like coffee?
A: The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Q: Why are men like horoscopes?
A: They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Q: Why are men like plungers?
A: They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Q: Why are men like floor tiles?
A: If you lay 'em right the first time, you can walk on 'em for years.
Q: Why are men like cement?
A: After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.
Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns.
Q: What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
A: No mind-No business.
Q: How are men and parking spots alike?
A: The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.
Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.
Q: Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
A: He wouldn't ask for directions.
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get
or how long it will last.
Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they're already pigs.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard that the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Q: What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up
playing with them.
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35
think of?
A: Dating children.
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.
Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
Q: Why did God make men before women?
A: You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.
Q: Why is a man's pea yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know, it has never happened.
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it
take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
A: It turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2" floppy.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a pretty blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to
pick only one.
An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
He's dead.
Good.
Clear as a bell my body said, "listen bitch... do it and you die."
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