E-Mail Rejection Letter

Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on waivers.

Dear (her name),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.

You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

My breasts are bigger than yours.

Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

Your Name (Optional)

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