"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
--Rita Rudner

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'"
--Conan O'Brien

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" "I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"
-- Larry Miller

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad."
-- Christopher Case

An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain."

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

When he found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided that he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies!"

Q: Why don't women blink during sex?
A: They don't have enough time.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: Why are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip the flat ones.

Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair?
A: Because if you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.

Q: What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A: You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: Why is a blow job like lobster thermidor?
A: Because you can't get either one at home.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: Why do women pay more attention to how they look than to improving their mind?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: What's the difference between a woman with P.M.S. and a rottweiler?
A: Lipstick.

Q: How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner?
A: Why the fuck should we fix it, we don't use the damn thing!

Q: Why are women like screen doors?
A: Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.

Q: What's the definition of a wife?
A: It's a thing that you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Q: How are women like parking spaces?
A: The best ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Q: Why do women have tits?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: They can't stand to see a man having fun.

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A: Money.

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: Why did God make man first?
A: He didn't want to have a woman looking over his shoulder.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?

Q: What's love?
A: The delusion that one woman is different from another.

Q: Why did God create lesbians?
A: So feminists couldn't breed.

Q: Why can't you trust women?
A: How can you trust something that can bleed for five days and not die?

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch.

Q: Did you hear about the new all-female delivery service called UPMS?
A: They deliver whenever the fuck they feel like it.

Q: Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
A: Because they're ugly and they smell.

Q: Why did God give women legs?
A: So they don't leave slug tracks.

Q: Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
A: If it were more, it would be Hell.

Q: What's the definition of "virgin wool."
A: A sheep the farmer hasn't caught yet.

Q: Why do mermaids wear sea shells?
A: Because the b-shells were too small and the d-shells were too big.

Q: What did the stockbroker's wife say when he caught her cheating on him?
A: "Sorry, dear, but I'm going public."

Q: Did you hear about the new morning-after pill for men?
A: It changes their DNA.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: When does a woman care for a man's company?
A: When he owns it.

Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

Q: Why do bald men have holes in their pants?
A: So they can run their fingers through their hair!

Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men have boyfriends.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know, it's never been done.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: What is the difference between men and women.
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

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