A Thank You from Barack Obama

My fellow Americans:

As your future President, I want to thank my supporters for their mindless support of me despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my pastor's relations with Louis Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi (as well as his racially-divisive messages that I listened to for 20 years and then claimed I never heard), and my embrace and praise of the racially-divisive Al Sharpton. I also appreciate the blind eye they cast toward my solidly Democratic Party line voting record while I present myself as some sort of bi-partisan agent of change.

I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and criminal behavior is irrelevant after eight years of hashing over Bush's youthful drinking and drugging as a bad thing. Their hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of political posing.

I would also like to thank the Kennedys for coming out in support of me. There's a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though J.F.K. started the Vietnam War, his brother, Robert, was a counsel to Sen. Joseph McCarthy (yeah, THAT Joseph McCarthy) and also illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King, Jr., and Teddy killed a female employee with whom he was having an extra marital affair. And I'm not going anywhere near the cousins, both literally and figuratively.

Americans should vote for me, not because of my lack of experience or achievement, but because I make people feel good. Voting for me causes some white folk to feel relieved of their imagined, racist guilt. I say things that sound meaningful, but don't really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have meaning, that means you have to think about them, and Americans are tired of thinking. It's time to shut down the brain, and open up the heart. So when you go to vote, remember, don't think, just do it. And do it for me.

Thank you,

Barack Obama

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