INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns:
the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go along.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

First you forget names, and then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper! It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is better than the alternative.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me...your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
- Milton Berle

The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.
- Milton Berle

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.
- Robert Benchley

I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it's all a little bit lower.
- Gypsy Rose Lee

Games For When We Are Older:
01. Sag, you're It.
02. Hide and go pee.
03. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
04. Kick the bucket.
05. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
06. Musical recliners.
07. Simon says something incoherent.
08. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
09. Doc, Doc Goose
10. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
11. Musical Recliners

Signs Of Menopause:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

Old Is When:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

An elderly man was driving along the highway and was pulled over by a police officer. The policeman told him that several miles back, the passenger door had opened and the man's wife had fallen out of the car. The man looks over to the passenger seat and says, "Well thank God -- I thought I'd gone deaf!"

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to my mum and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mum smiled and then replied "Yes........ I remember."

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