INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

The Wit and Wisdom of Will Rogers

"... the Republican elephant and the Democratic donkey have come to resemble each other so closely that it is practically impossible to tell them apart; both of them make the same braying noise, and neither of them ever says anything."

"Everybody says this here thing we're involved in ain't a real war. Congress says it ain't a war. The President says it ain't a war. 'Course the guys over here getting shot at say it's the best damned imitation they ever saw."

"Our foreign policy is an open book - a checkbook."

"If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"

"There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators."

"It sure did kick up some excitement in the Senate when one Senator called the other Senators 'sons of Wild jackasses.' Well, if you thought it made the Senators hot, you wait till you see what happens when the jackasses hear how they have been slandered."

"That's what a Congressman or a Senator is for -- to see that too much money don't accumulate in the national Treasury."

"If we have Senators and Congressmen there that can't protect themselves against the evil temptations of lobbyists, we don't need to change our lobbies, we need to change our representatives."

"Diplomats are just as essential in starting a war as soldiers are in finishing it."

"You see, in Washington they have these bodies, Senate and the House of Representatives. That is for the convenience of the visitors. If there is nothing funny happening in one, there is sure to be in the other, and in case one body passes a good bill, why, the other can see it in time and kill it."

"There is good news from Washington today. The Congress is deadlocked and can't act."

"I'm not a member of any organized political party. I'm a Democrat."

"Things in our country run in spite of the government, not by the aid of it."

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."

"This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when a baby gets hold of a hammer."

"With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke."

"Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, that don't hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous."

"Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for."

"Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?"

"The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected."

"On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does."

"The short memories of American voters is what keeps our politicians in office."

"The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best."

"Our public men are speaking every day on something, but they ain't saying anything."

"If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven."

"The budget is a mythical bean bag. Congress votes mythical beans into it, and then tries to reach in and pull real beans out."

"If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics."

"Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."

"Next to guinea pigs, taxes have been the most prolific animal."

"If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep."

"The only thing I would advise you to do [for lower taxes] is not to have anything they can tax away from you."

"The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf."

"The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."

"I don't want to complain, but every time they build a tax structure, the first thing they nail is me."

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