When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.
It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you? "

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard the bull before.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

This door is baroque; please call Bach later.

Q: What is the shortest distance between two puns?
A: A straight line.

Q: Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
A: Both crews were marooned.

Q: Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit?
A: They called it the herd shot round the world.

Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
A: Linoleum blownapart.

Q: What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
A: One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

Q: Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
A: One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?
A:He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Q: Which famous golfer loves to drink wine?
A: Litre Vino.

"I don't believe it!," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

The mushroom says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

"No, I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive!"

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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