INTERNET HUMOR PAGES

I don't procrastinate.
I wait until the last minute because then I will be older, and therefore wiser.

Want to do something today?
Can't. I did a thing yesterday,

The Postal Service is more interested in storing letters than in delivering them.
- James Bovard

The Postal Service is the only delivery business that believes speed is irrelevant.
- James Bovard

When people bought ‘forever’ stamps, they didn’t realize that the name referred to the delivery time, not stamp prices.
- James Bovard

I'm not lazy. Someone just stole my motivation. I'm the victim here!

If an immigrant with no work experience, no college, no contacts, no resume and speaks broken English can steal your job... you probably deserve to lose it.

Today I'm doing nothing because I started doing it yesterday and I wasn't finished ... and I'm no quitter.

Who ever said, "The customer is always right," clearly never worked with the public a day of their life.

Every corpse on Everest was once an extremely motivated person.

Prevent workplace injury.
Let some one else do the work.

When top level guys look down, they see only shitheads;
When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes.
I have never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly.

Immigrants are like sperm. Millions get in ... only one works!

If a copyright holder can earn royalties for his work from the time of the copyright till 70 years after his death, why can't a worker also be paid after his death?

The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

POOR: Passing On Opportunities Repeatedly

JOB: Just Over Broke

SOCIALISM: The state pretends to pay us, and we pretend to work.

If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?

A civil servant is sometimes like a broken cannon - it won't work and you can't fire it.
- George S. Patton

Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.
- Laurence J. Peter

Government machinery has been described as a marvelous labor saving device which enables ten men to do the work of one.
- John Maynard Keynes

Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
- Milton Friedman

Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies.
- Honore de Balzac

Bureaucracy is the epoxy that greases the wheels of progress.
- Dr. Jim Boren

When in charge, ponder. When in trouble, delegate. When in doubt, mumble.
- Dr. Jim Boren

A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members.
- David B. Coblitz

If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.
- Robert Schaeberle

Any sufficiently advanced bureaucracy is indistinguishable from molasses.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Charlie McCarthy

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain.

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a spine.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes from Dilbert managers in corporate America, circa 2004:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
- This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond WA

What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.
- Lykes Lines Shipping

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
- Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company

This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
- Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
- Plant Manager, Delco Corporation

No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
- R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
- Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
- Shipping executive, FTD Florists

We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.
- Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division

I fight poverty, I work.

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.


OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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