Downsizing Memo:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Sever Late Aged Personnel). Employees who are S.L.A.P.PED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. Provided they are S.L.A.P.PED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been S.L.A.P.PED or S.C.R.E.W.ED may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be S.L.A.P.PED once, S.C.R.E.W.ED twice, but may be S.H.A.F.T.ED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or C.L.A.P. (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has A.I.D.S. (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. or C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S. or C.L.A.P. will no longer be S.L.A.P.PED or S.C.R.E.W.ED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to train employees through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). This company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT t han any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE S.H.I.T. YOU CAN STAND. (Please see our previously issued memo on S.H.I.T. for more information.)

Sincerely,
Your friendly HR department

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