I'm giving up drinking until Christmas.
Sorry, bad punctuation.
I'm giving up. Drinking until Christmas.

5 onion rings.
4 call girls,
3 French Fries,
2 turtlenecks.
and a large Long Island Iced Tea.

Buy the gun you want. Wrap and mark it from Santa. Your spouse will have to go along with it or you'll ruin Christmas for the kids.

If you want to ssve money at Christmas, now's the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn't make it through the pandemic.
Modern problems require modern solutions.

Santa couldn't understand why there are so many children on the nice-list this year after switching to using the Dominion Voting machines.

It's not Christmas ... until I see Hans Gruber fall from Nakatomi Tower.

For Christmas this year I will be making a donation in your name into my bank account.

Your gift will be arriving late or never.

Wishing you a happy whatever doesn't offend you.

Happy holidays from someone using environmental friendliness as an excuse for being too cheap and lazy to send a real card.

If I sent Christmas cards, you'd totally be on my list.

A great way to finish holiday shopping early is to have very few loved ones.

I am an atheist who accepts Christmas gifts.

I just saved a ton of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook.

I put so much thought into your gift it's now too late to get it.

It's the thought that counts, and I put an awful lot of thought into giving you absolutely nothing.

May you maintain the same fake enthusiasm for the holidays as North Koreans did for Kim Jong Il.

Pretending to believe in the Mayan apocalypse prophecy is a great way to get out of buying Christmas presents.

Sending paperless Christmas cards is a great way to feel better about the murdered tree in your living room.

Whether you're offended by me saying Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas, take comfort in knowing I don't really mean either.

Remember it's the thought that counts as you finish reading this free ecard.

To eliminate any chance you'd be disappointed by your Christmas gift, I did not buy you a Christmas gift.

Just wanted to help spread hope, peace, joy and other marketing buzzwords.

He's making a database.
He's sorting it twice.
SELECT * from contacts WHERE behavior = "nice'.
SQL Clause is coming to town.

I wrote to Santa and asked, "Please send me a baby brother."
Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother."

I checked your Facebook page for clues on a holiday gift and decided to get you a framed photo of yourself.

CHRISTMESS: Five minutes after the gifts are opened!

BUMPER STICKER: Santa's Hang-up is Empty stockings.

My stockings were hanging by the chimney with care,
I'd been wearing them for months and they needed the air.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
--Phyllis Diller

Buying a Turkey
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Q: Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?
A: Santa Clues.

Q: What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
A: Santa Klutz!!!!

Q: Why is it so cold at Christmas?
A: It's in Decembrrrrr.

Q: What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A: A pony sleigh station

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.

Q: Why won't Santa give you five cents?
A: Because he is Nickel-less.

Q: Which reindeer knows morse code?
A: Dasher.

Q: How does Santa talk to the reindeer?
A: He uses an inter-Com-et

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why does Santa Claus have a garden?
A: Because he likes to hoe, hoe hoe.

Q: Who was the first cat to cross the Sahara Desert?
A: Sandy Claws!

Q: Did you hear about the family who owned an English pointer and an Irish setter?
A: The dogs get together at Christmas time and have pointsetters.

Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get?
A: Missile toe.

Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

Q: As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
A: The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

Those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my wine, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.

Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

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