Subject: 12 Days of Christmas

December 14,
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
    With deepest love and devotion
    Jenny

December 15,
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
    All my love,
    Jenny

December 16,
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
    Love,
    Jenny

December 17,
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
    Affectionately,
    Jenny

December 18,
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
    All my love,
    Jenny

December 19,
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
    Cordially,
    Jenny

December 20,
John:
What's with you and those friggin' birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of bad joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those darned birds.
    Sincerely,
    Jenny

December 21,
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their smelly cows. There are cow pies all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.
    Just lay off me!
    Jenny

December 22,
Hey! Smartiepants!
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And cripes do they play!!! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
    You'll get yours,
    Jenny

December 23,
You Rotten Prick,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been chading those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of runny cow pies. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned.
    One who means it,
    Jenny

December 24,
Listen! Bonehead,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in this madhouse! I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
    Your sworn enemy,
    Jenny

Law Offices
Dewey, Cheatem and Howe
December 25,
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Jenny Jacobson. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Jacobs at Happy Camper Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest.
    Badger, Bender and Cajole
    A Division of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe

    Attorneys at Law

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