CHRISTMESS: Five minutes after the gifts are opened!

BUMPER STICKER: Santa's Hang-up is Empty stockings.

Q: Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?
A: Santa Clues.

Q: What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
A: Santa Klutz!!!!

Q: Why is it so cold at Christmas?
A: It's in Decembrrrrr.

Q: What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A: A pony sleigh station

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.

Q: Why won't Santa give you five cents?
A: Because he is Nickel-less.

Q: Which reindeer knows morse code?
A: Dasher.

Q: How does Santa talk to the reindeer?
A: He uses an inter-Com-et

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Why does Santa Claus have a garden?
A: Because he likes to hoe, hoe hoe.

Q: Who was the first cat to cross the Sahara Desert?
A: Sandy Claws!

Q: Did you hear about the family who owned an English pointer and an Irish setter?
A: The dogs get together at Christmas time and have pointsetters.

Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get?
A: Missile toe.
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

Q: As a little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
A: The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

My stockings were hanging by the chimney with care,
I'd been wearing them for months and they needed the air.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
--Phyllis Diller

Buying a Turkey
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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